Still Can't Get Out Of Italy
by Heart-fractured21
Summary: Britain and France have been ambushed and are being held captive in Italy. Watch as they try to make 5 hilairious escape attempts from the Axis Countries...only to fail each time. Don't worry, Britain and France, the Allied Countries are on their way...eventually.
1. Attempt 1: Underground Tunnel

Just as a heads up, anything in **Bold **is the narrator talking ^_^

This is based on the strip and anime episode _Can't Get Out of Italy_ It's my favorite strip in the entire series!

I don't own Hetalia!

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"You bloody bastards! Release us this instant!" Britain demanded as he rattled against the bars of his cell. "You have exactly 10 seconds to get your sorry asses over here and open up this cell!"

"Au, you cannot leave me in here with this filthy swine!" France hollered, also rattling the bars. "I'm much too gorgeous for these horribly bland conditions!"

"Shut-up, you stupid frog!" Britain snapped. "I refuse to take this nonsense from you!"

France turned away in disgust, "and I refuse to take another look at that dull face of yours. By ze way, that outfit is so 5 centuries ago."

"You imbecile!" Britain fumed, reaching for France's neck. "This is my combat uniform! It's not like I wear this on a regular basin!"

"Doesn't change ze fact that it is severely out dated!" France groaned, while trying to release himself from Britain's grip.

But Britain refused to let up, "it's your fault we were captured in the first place! If you would stop wearing that ridiculously loud cape ensemble, then we'd never have been spotted by the enemy!"

"Hon, hon, hon. Maybe life for you won't be so bad here. At least you'll get to dine on something other than your terrible cooking," said France with a wicked grin.

"How dare you speak of my cuisine in such a way, you wine drinking buffoon! Forget this war! We're about to fight another 100 years' war, where I'll serve you your own ass on a fucking silver platter!" screeched Britain, lunging forward.

France easily dodged Britain and delicately flicked his golden locks.

"I could have sworn I was ze one who served you. I won that war, no? However, if you'd like to bare your ass and serve it to me, I won't stop you!" said France suggestively.

Britain immediately stopped his assault and moved as far away from France as possible. A look of pure horror spread across his face.

"You disgusting pervert! Keep away from me and my backside!" he ordered.

But France continued to advance towards the cowering Britain.

"Come now, Britain. You have no need to be shy. We can bare our asses together. Would that make you feel any better?"

"Your destruction is the only thing that would make me feel better!" shouted Britain. "D-don't come any closer!"

"Vould you two shut-up?" an angry voice rang from behind them. "I can hear your nonsense all the vay down the hall! It's driving me insane!"

The two prisoners were startled to find a young blond haired, blue-eyed man staring at them through the balls. His arms were sternly folded across his chest as he fiercely held the two in his gaze.

"Germany," Britain spat. "You've got some nerve showing your face here! But you'll never get away with this! The other Allies will surely come to rescue us!"

"Really?" asked France.

"I don't bloody know, you wanker!" Britain loudly whispered as he turned to his cellmate. "But we don't want him to know that!"

"Ah, I see," said France, nodding his head. "We shall scare him into letting us go, then get the heck out of this dreary country!"

"Uh….ignoring the fact that I can clearly hear your conversation," said Germany, as he raised an eyebrow. "I've already made contact with the Allied countries."

"What did they say?" Britain inquired.

"Ah, vell it went something like this,"

….

**While Britain and France were being held captive in Germany, the Allies were busy; doing God knows what, in the Allied Powers' headquarters. While China was straightening up the main office, he heard the phone ring and rushed to answer it. He was very shocked to receive this call.**

"Hey, I receive shocking call!" hollered China, with the phone still to his ear. "You guys had better come quickly!"

"Oh, I wonder who it could be," asked Russia.

"It's Germany!" China answered.

America came into the room, pushing a cart fool of greasy burgers.

"Sup Dudes! Did I hit the jackpot or what? Can you believe they were having a buy 2 get the 3rd one 25 % off sale at Burger Palace? Where's Britain? I wanna show him my mountain of burgers!" he exclaimed like a giddy little school girl.

China furrowed his brow, "well that is problem. He and France have been captured by the axis."

"Wow, really? That sure puts a damper on things," America pouted plopping down in an empty seat in front of the desk.

"You know, America, we should probably go save them now," asked Russia with a smile. "They're probably in a lot of danger."

"Hmmm, save Britain and France or sit here and eat a shitload of burgers," America contemplated while stroking his chin. "A tough decision guys, but we're gonna have to do what's right!"

…

"And that's basically what happened," Germany explained, an enormous sweat ball slid down the back of his head.

"How could they? I knew they wouldn't be quick to rescue us, but I didn't think they'd be so blunt about it!" shouted an enraged Britain. "They will rue the day they ever turned their backs on me! Rue it!"

"You cannot leave me in here like this! I'll die in these pitiful surroundings!" France whined, while biting down on his handkerchief. "I am a delicate creature that deserves to go free!"

**Enter those lovable brothers, who may or may not have been loosely based off the Mario Brothers, Italy and Romano! **

"Hey, you dumb potato eater! What the hell are you doing in here! Isn't it time you got back to your boring German home?" shouted Romano.

"Yay! It's Germany! Germany's here!" shouted Italy with excitement.

The moment the two brothers spotted their newest prisoners, they began screaming with horror.

"Oh no! It's France and Britain!" shouted Romano, diving behind his younger brother. "Keep them away from me!"

"G-Germany! Why did you capture them?" Italy stammered. "Do you hate us now? They'll catch us and do mean things to us! Britain might make me eat his food again!"

"Oh, don't be silly. There's absolutely no vay they'll get out of this cell. It's completely escape proof," said Germany with a satisfied smile.

"But Germany, they just did," said Italy, pointing towards the cell.

Germany abruptly turned around only to find the cell completely empty. There was nothing but a tiny hole dug in the middle of floor.

"Scheiße!"

He immediately ran out the dungeon. Italy and Romano glanced at each other before chasing after Germany.

"You bastard!" hollered Romano. "Get back here and protect me!"

"Germany! Don't leave me behind!" cried Italy.

….

**While Germany was distracted by the Italy brothers, France and Britain managed to dig a tunnel right through the floor without Germany even noticing. Silly Mr. Germany!**

"Keep digging! They'll catch up to us!" ordered Britain, digging away.

"This is absolutely disgusting! I've got dirt all in my cloak!" complained France, crawling his way through the tunnel. "I cannot go on in such an undignified matter!"

"Oh, stop your whining! You think I enjoy this sort of activity?"

"Hmmm, digging through the Earth like a mongrel? I believe this activity suits you perfectly," said France, slyly.

"When we get out of here, remind me to kill you!"

**The two bravely continued digging through the narrow tunnel** **until they finally hit daylight. Wow, looks like they got out pretty easily!**

"Just a little further," said Britain to himself. "A little bit further!"

"Oh hurry it up already!" France ordered.

**The two of them popped out of the ground, covered in complete filth.**

"Finally! We're free of that horrible prison!" Britain exclaimed.

"Not quite," said Germany standing over them with an awful scowl.

"It is Germany—again!" shrieked France as he tried to dive back into the tunnel.

"Oh no you don't!" shouted an angry Germany, grabbing the two men by the collar. "You two are going back in your cell!"

"But Germany, couldn't you just let Britain and Big Brother France escape? They're so scary!" whimpered Italy from behind.

Germany began dragging his new prisoners back inside Italy's house. "Of course we can't let them escape. Ve found them snooping around your lands, so now we must capture them. That is the vay it works."

"Hey, watch it! You are scrunching up my cloak!" France snapped.

"Mark my words, Germany! We _will _get out of Italy and I wouldn't want to be you when that happens!"

"Oh, I'm shaking in my combat boots, Britain." Germany responded. "From here on out, there von't be no more escaping!"

**Italy and Romano watched as the two were once again hauled off by Germany.**

"I really hope they escape again!" whispered Italy.

"Shut-up, you stupid Moron!" replied Romano.


	2. Attempt 2: The Pretty Girl Was France

So, same thing as last time! Everything in **bold** is the hetalia narrator speaking.

I don't own hetalia...clearly I'm not a Japanese man named Hidekaz Himaruya. ^_^

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**When we last saw Britain and France, they were hastily trying to escape their prison. Unfortunately for them, they were caught by Germany and promptly returned. I wonder what escape attempt they'll try next. Something tells me it's not going to work anyway…but, what do I know? I'm just the omniscient underpaid narrator! Kolkolkol!**

"Italy, Listen to me very carefully," Germany urged, placing a stern hand on the young man's shoulder. "I'm going home to take care of some vork but I'll be back soon. So I'm trusting you to look after the prisoners vhile I'm gone."

"Huh? No! That's terrible! I don't like this idea at all!" cried Italy as he clung to Germany's leg. "Please don't leave me alone with them!"

"Release me this Instant! You're messing up my blousing straps!" grunted the German, struggling to shake off his sobbing friend.

"But what if they try to escape again!" Italy whimpered.

Germany finally succeeded in freeing himself, "That von't happen again! I've already made the necessary adjustments to their cell. It's completely escape proof."

"…..you said that last time!"

"I said I made the necessary adjustments!" Shouted Germany as a giant vein popped in his forehead. "You vill stay here vith the prisoners und enjoy it! But if you have any problems then call me."

He instantly stormed off only to be followed by a whimpering Italy.

**Meanwhile, Britain and France rotted away in their new cell!**

"Stupid Germany! Throwing us in here like a sack of his raw potatoes! I can't believe he installed steel floors!" complained Britain as he paced back and forth across the cell floor. "He'll never get away with this, damn it! He and those stupid macaroni brothers will pay dearly. He'll see! They'll all see!"

"Shut-up already," France whined. "Talking to yourself makes you seem crazier than usual."

"I don't see you coming up with a way out of this dump!" Britain fired back.

"Zat is where you're wrong. I have already come up with a grandmaster plan," said France with a wink. "One that is so perfect it cannot fail!"

"I can't wait to hear this one," Britain scoffed, crossing his arms.

"I have taken ze liberty of assembling some fashionable disguises!" France proclaimed as he removed revealed and entire closet of women's clothing.

"What? When did you do all of this?" Britain angrily demanded.

"While you were busy yaking away," France laughed. "Now here, put on this disguise."

France handed Britain a frilly pink dress with a long blonde wig.

"Are you insane? I refused to wear woman's clothing!" he snorted.

"Your tacky little plan failed. Now we will do things my way," France declared, as he undressed himself.

"What are you doing? I said I didn't want to see your ass!" Britain shouted, turning away from the naked man.

"Zer is no time for that now, Britain," France responded, stepping into a blue dress. "Here is ze plan…we pose as Italian women and easily slip out of the country. Simple, no?"

"Oh come on! This dress isn't even my size!" he complained, holding the dress out in front of himself. "Why is the bust so large? Whoever tailored these garments needs to be fired immediately."

"Hon, hon! Behold the power of the melon!" France proclaimed, holding out 2 melons in front of him. "Stick them down your blouse and ta-da, instant boob job!"

"You….you can't be serious?" Britain asked with bewilderment. "Do you truely believe I'll stick two melons down my chest?"

France neatly placed on his wig, "but of course! Otherwise you will lack appeal. Not that you don't lack appeal anyway. Compared to myself, I'm not sure you'd make a very appealing woman."

Britain's face turned bright red with anger, "are you saying that you'd make a prettier girl then I would?"

"Silly Britain, was that not obvious enough!" laughed France, twirling around in his dress. "No matter what I wear, my gorgeousness will always flunk yours. It burns like the flame of a thousand suns!"

"I don't think so! Pass me the melons!" demanded Britain, pulling the dress over his head. "I can be just as pretty you, frog!"

"Tough talk for somebody with caterpillar eyebrows in desperate need of a waxing," France jabbed, powdering his wig. "Now hurry up before Germany comes back. We will have a better chance getting out of here without his intervention."

"Look at me; I'm as pretty as a princess!" France happily exclaimed, twirling around. "This dress shows off my delicate little curves!"

"What kind of man has curves?" Britain grumpily replied as he angrily crossed his arms. He was completely dolled up from head to toe. "Okay, we're dressed. What's next on your ridiculous agenda? In case you forgot, we can't dig our way out of here! Germany installed steel floors."

"A proper lady never goes anywhere without a hair pin," said France, pulling a pin from his wig. He then proceeded to slide his hand through the bar and jam the pin into the lock.

"I'm beginning to think you're having too much fun with this," said Britain warily.

After awhile, France popped open the lock and pushed open the door. The two "women" checked to see if the coast was clear before exiting the cell. France quickly darted ahead, leaving Britain to catch up.

"France, get back here!" yelled Britain, stumbling after him. "Damn it, these shoes are like death traps! How do women walk in these?"

"A proper lady has mastered ze art of running in heels," called France over his shoulder.

Britain blinked in confusion, "France, I really wonder about you."

"Come along my little black sheep! We have to hurry if we're ever to get out of this country alive," France responded.

**Alright everyone, time for a history lesson! Yes, you read that right! I said history lesson! During WW2 the Germans created a POW camp for special Allied prisoners. And by special prisoners I mean, prisoners who constantly made escape attempts under the enemy's nose. So any prisoner who made this "special list" were transferred the German camp known as Colditz Castle. It was supposed to be escape proof, hence why all those troubling making POW's were sent there. But there was just one tiny problem with this camp. It was filled with attempted escapees! Essentially, Camp Coldtiz became somewhat of an escape academy. Even though it was supposed to be a high security prison, it has one of the highest records of successful escape attempts. The POW's camp up with many interesting ways to escape their German prison. Of courses, escaping the camp the camp was only step 1. They still needed to travel out of German territory, which was the real hard part. That's the main reason why so many POW's caught. But, that didn't stop them from scheming up new ways to trick the Germans. Seriously, one group even built a glider plane without the Germans knowing! But the Allies showed up soon after so they never got a chance to fly it. Didn't think you'd learn anything from fanfiction, did you?**

"Okay, I can do this," Italy murmured to himself as he trudged down the hall. He carried with him a large pan of pasta.

**It looks like our friend Italy has taken matters into his own hands.**

"Germany left me in charge. He trusts me. I can't let him down. I'll just leave the pasta near the cage and run away. Oh, why couldn't Romano do this instead? Why do I have to do it! I don't want to get near Britain and Big Brother France! What if they evilly glare at me from behind the bars again?"

Italy dropped the entire pan of pasta when he discovered the cell door was wide open. The two prisoners were nowhere in sight. Italy ran around like a headless chicken as he screamed to the top of his lungs.

"Oh no! Britain and Big Brother France have escaped and are somewhere loose in my house!" he screamed. "What do I do? What do I do?"

He suddenly stopped running and looked toward a random phone on the wall. He quickly grabbed the receiver and placed it to his ear.

"I know, I should call Germany!" he happily exclaimed. But he paused just as he was about to dial the first number. "No, I don't want to bother Germany. He has a lot of work to do. Besides, he'd probably just yell at me! I know, I'll call Japan! He'll know what to do!"

Italy quickly dialed Japan's number as he worriedly looked back at the empty prison cell. He listened in agony as he waited for the ringing to cease. Finally, the ringing stopped and a voice greeted him from the other end.

"Moshi moshi, this is Japan speaking. How may I be of service to you?" replied the soft spoken country.

"Japan! It's me, Italy!" shouted Italy on the verge of panicking.

"Mr. Itary? What is the matter? You sound as if you just take huge shit in pants."

"I have an even bigger problem! Germany caught Britain and Big Brother France snooping around my house so now I have to take care of them! But Germany went back home for a little bit and left me here with them! I went to go make them some pasta but when I came to give it to them, I found their cage empty. They've escaped somewhere! They could be planning to hit me with sticks as we speak!"

Japan took a deep breath, "that is very interesting predicament.

"You gotta help me catch them!" Italy wailed, bitting his fingernails.

"One moment prease, I need to sense the mood," Japan replied.

"Huh? You can do that over the phone?" Italy wondered.

"Hai, I have mad skill,"

Italy continued to look over his shoulder in case the escapees tried to take him by surprise. He impatiently waited for Japan to finish. After what seemed like ages, Italy finally heard his friend's voice again.

"I have finished sensing the mood, Mr. Itary," Japan announced. "And I have made a decision."

Italy's face lit up with joy, "you have?"

"Hai, I'rr think about it," Japan answered. "Sayonara, Mr. Itary."

"No wait!" he begged, but it was too late. Japan had already hung up. "Oh, I hate when he says one thing but means the complete opposite. What am I gonna do now?"

**It looks like Japan doesn't really want to get involved in Italy's crazy antics. Speaking of crazy antics…..**

"Now remember, we are dignified Italian women. It is not enough to look the part we must also act the part," said France, as he coached Britain.

The two of them were casually walking through the streets, trying not to attract any attention to themselves. They'd successfully escaped from Italy's personal home, now they just needed to get out of his country. If they could just get to the boarder, they'd be fine.

"Oh please, how hard could it be?" Britain questioned.

"Ciao bella!" greeted Romano from afar.

"Oh no! It's Southern Italy! And he's coming this way," France whined. "He'll ruin all of our plans."

"Eh, C-ciao señor," he Britain answered back.

"Psst," France whispered, "señor is Spanish, you fool! We're supposed to be Italian, remember?"

"Then what do Italians say?" he whispered back.

"I don't know,"

"Then why are you giving me such a hard time if you don't know yourself?"

"Because, French and Italian are pretty similar," France giddily responded. "I'm sure I can figure it out as we go along. See, that's the beauty of speaking a fellow romance language. They are all extremely similar characteristics. You wouldn't understand."

"Well excuse me for being influenced by the anglo-saxons!"

"Silence, and use zis to conceal your face," ordered France, shoving a fan into his hand. "If he blows our cover we're dead!"

"Hey, do I know you two from somewhere?" asked Romano. "You look familiar."

"Oh, no I don'ta think so," said France in his girliest voice possible.

"But I know practically every beautiful woman in this country," said Romano. "Hey, wait a second. You're not spies, are you?"

"Um….ve?, of course not," said Britain. "We're borna and raised in Italy. That's right!"

"Oh good, for a second there I thought you might be the enemy in disguise!" Romano laughed. "I should've known better than to suspect such beautiful women."

"Ve, Whata nice compliment. Well, we're gonna go now," said Britain tugging France away. "We, uh, left some pasta in the oven. Don't want to let it over cook! Ve!"

Romano watched as the two "women" began walking away from him.

"Such beautiful women in deed. Especially the one with the green eyes," Romano beamed.

"Romano!" cried Italy, jumping on his brothers back. "Britain and France have escaped again!"

Romano's face instantly dropped, "You idiot! How could you let them loose in the house? Weren't you supposed to be watching them? I'm gonna make you eat meat pudding for this!"

He angrily shook his younger brother to tears as he tried to fight back his own.

"I was! I just turned my back for one second and they were gone! Gone I tell you, gone!" shouted Italy. "And Germany's gone too! He went back home this morning!"

Romano dropped his brother and frantically rolled around on the ground.

"How could that potato loving bastard leave us here alone like this? That good for nothing scumbag!" he squealed.

"Romano, don't cry," said Italy, attempting to console him.

"I'm not crying; I'm sweating through my tear ducts!" He lied

He stopped rolling around when he found a shiny object on the ground. When discovered it was a fancy watch. It looked far too feminine to belong to a man.

"Hey, this must belong to one of those two young women I just met," he said standing up. "Oh, there they are. They haven't gotten very far."

"Excuse me! Hey, Ladies, did one of you drop a watch?" he shouted.

But when he received no answer, he decided to deliver it to them instead.

"Wait, Romano! Where are you going? Don't leave me out in the open by myself!" shouted Italy as he trotted after him.

**Unfortunately for Britain and France, they didn't hear Romano calling out to them. So they had no time to conceal their faces with their fans. So when Romano suddenly whipped out in front of them, well…..let's just say that all 3 of them were surprised. **

"Excuse me, did one of you drop…your…." Romano froze with fear once he got a closer look at the two women. "Ah! It's Britain and France in women's clothing! I can't believe I was so close to them without even knowing it!"

Italy appeared not long after, "Good job Brother. You found Big Brother France and Britain!Huh? Wait…..you found Big Brother France and Britain! Oh no, I don't want to die!"

"Run for it!" Britain instructed.

France and Britain made a break for the Italian boarder. They were so close; they could practically taste the French air. But just as they were diving towards the boarder, they were immediately yanked backwards.

"Und just vhere do the two of you think you're going?" questioned Germany, hoisted them both up by their collars.

"Germany! You came back!" shouted Italy, running up to them.

"Why did you catch them again? They were almost out of the country!" complained Romano.

"What are you doing back so soon?"

"Japan called. He explained everything to me," said Germany, carrying away the prisoners. "Italy, I told you to call me if you ran into any trouble."

"I know, I just didn't want to bother you with nonsense," said Italy.

"I suppose it was my fault for leaving you here alone with them,"

"You're damn right it was your fault!" shouted Romano with rage.

"Unhand me," demanded Britain as he and France were dragged away.

"This is no proper way to treat a lady!" screeched France.

"Will you shut-up? The charade is over!"

"Maybe so," said France, fluffing up his wig. "But I was still the prettier one."

"Oh, no you don't! I was the prettier one! Romano was flirting with me, not you!"

"No, it's with m because I am prettier!"

"No! I'm prettier!"

"I am!"

"I am, you nitwit!"

"Ugh….sometimes I really hate my job," uttered Germany as he tried to block out the stupid argument. "Töten mir jetzt."


	3. Attempt 3: Strickly Sickly

And we're back with more Hetalia madness! I do hope you all enjoy this chap. And as usual...I don't own hetalia!

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**Our dear friends, Britain and France, were once again captured by the Axis countries. For some reason, they're female disguises didn't turn out so well. It seemed they were only capable of passing as women from afar. Now that they've been recaptured, Germany has decided to prep his men. We can't have those darn Allies escaping again, now can we? **

"Alright, so far our captives have managed to make 2 failed escape attempts!" Germany scolded, while slowly pacing back and forth. Italy and Japan stood firmly before him. "Do you know vhat that means?"

"Oooh, oooh! I know! It means third time's a charm!" screeched Italy excitedly.

Germany's left eye twitched with annoyance, "No, you fool! That is exactly the reason I'm increasing your training!"

"But Germany, why do we have to increase the training? I barely want to complete the training at the current level," whimpered Italy. "Can't we just lie around like bumps on a log and eat pasta all day long!"

"Absolutely not!" shouted Germany with fury. "Gah, and speaking of bumps on a log, where's your idiot brother?"

"Uh….oh yeah! He's taking a siesta at Big Brother Spain's house! But don't worry, he'll be back eventually!"

Germany brought his hand to his temple, "I'll deal with him later. Japan, please tell me you have some good news?"

"Hai," said Japan with a nod, "I've switched the Iron bars in the prison with bars that should keep the captives secure. They won't escape this time."

"Really? Just what type of bars did you put in the cell?" asked Germany with curiosity.

**And cue next scene where Britain conveniently answers this question!**

"Lasers? Who the hell installs laser bars in a prison cell?!" shouted Britain ferociously.

"Apparently Japan does," France nonchalantly commented.

"This is absolutely insane! I can't take another second of this crazy nonsense!" shouted Britain, rushing towards the conveniently placed phone on the wall.

**The power of convenience strikes again!**

Britain waited for the other party to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"America, you traitor! Get over here right now!" Britain shouted into the phone receiver. "How could you leave us here to suffer in such turmoil conditions?!"

"Britain, is that you?" asked America from the other line. "Hey man, how've ya been?"

"How have I been?! I've been through hell no thanks to you and those other imbeciles! Why haven't you come to save us yet?"

"Well we were on our way, but then Russia said he'd never gone to a baseball game before," he explained. "I couldn't let my dear friend go through life that way! So we went to a ball game."

"You left our lives in jeopardy just to watch a stupid baseball game! You good-for-nothing yankee!" screeched Britain.

"Hey, how'd you know we went to a Yankees game?!" Asked an excited America. "Then afterwards, we went to this sweet pier carnival."

"I won a Pucca doll! It is cutest thing ever!" exclaimed China from the background. "I will take it home and place it next to my Hello Kitty doll!"

"You are talking to Britain, da? Please tell him I said hi!" said Russia.

"Sure thing man!" America agreed. "Russia says hi."

"You wanker! I can't believe that after everything I've done for you, you abandoned me like this!" screamed Britain. "For crying out loud,I changed your filthy diapers!"

"….. Britain says hi back!"

"Now see here, you fraudulent mucker, you had better come and rescue us _today_ or else!" shouted Britain with furry.

"Yeah, about that…. See, we kinda made plans to go to see Disney on Ice later," said America sheepishly.

"I don't care about your god-forsaken—" he suddenly stopped in mid sentence. "Did you say Disney on Ice? Will….will Tinkerbell be there?"

"Dude, it's not Disney without Tinkerbell! That chick is totally hot for a fairy!" said America suggestively.

Britain felt his blood boiling with rage, "don't talk about her like that! She's a very classy lady!"

"Don't worry, I'll upload the pics to facebook later on," said America.

"How many times do I have to tell you this?! We can't use facebook during the 1940's!" screeched Britain.

America laughed, "We also can't watch Disney on Ice in the 1940's but I refuse to let that stop me!"

"Where's the logic in this situation?!"

"Psh, I am America! I defy logic!" America tartly responded.

Britain banged his head up against the wall, "dear God, why?"

"Anyway, you guys just stay put! We'll swing by to pick you up later, kay?"

"I beg your pardon?!" Britain shouted with rage. "You will do no such thing! I said to get over here this instant and—"

"Huh? What's that?" said America, cutting him off. "Britain, I can barely hear you….you're breaking up!"

"But you sound fine on my end," Britain casually examined the phone cord to make sure it wasn't damaged. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah dude, I'm losing you. I'm, uh, going through a tunnel," he lied.

"You are not! This is a landline phone, imbecile! It's not portable!" Britain lashed out. "America? America?! Are you still there?! How dare you hang up on me?!"

Britain silently listened to the dial tone before angrily bashing the phone up against the wall.

"I'm assuming your call didn't go as you planned, mon ami," said France, patting Britain on the back. "No matter, I have already come up with another full proof plan!"

"You said you had a full proof plan last time! Yet, we were still captured!" Britain pointed out. "I had to stuff melons down my chest! Melons!"

"But it is a really good one this time!" France pouted.

"Oh alright, fine," said Britain rolling his eyes. "Let's hear it then."

France eyes instantly lit up, "Splendid! So zer is no way we can get past ze laser beams, oui? We simply get one of ze gaurds from outside ze cell to let us out."

"And just how are we going to do that?"

France opened up a random suitcase, "by disguising ourselves as some of Germany's soldiers!"

"That's the same as the last plan!" Britain snapped. "I refuse to put on another ridiculous disguise! It took me forever to scrap that foundation off my face! And I'm pretty sure I twisted my ankle running in those heels!"

France angrily crossed his arms across his chest, "Oh, and I suppose you have a better plan on getting out of here?"

"Ha, I think I've figured it out now!" said Britain moving towards the bars. "I'll bet Japan was just playing tricks on us! There's no way these bars are real lasers! They're probably just holograms!"

"Huh? Wait just a minute! What do you think you're doing?" asked France with alarm.

"I'm going to phase right through them!" Britain proudly proclaimed as he ran towards the bars.

"Sacre bleu!" shouted France as he latched onto him. "You cannot touch zose! Zey will cut you in half!"

"No, they're just holograms! Holograms, I tell you! They don't exist! The limit does not exist!" Britain shot back, reaching ever so closely towards the laser bars.

"Your brain doesn't exist! Now Get a hold off yourself, you son of a bitch!"

After much scuffling, France finally forced Britain to the ground and sat on top of him. Britain angrily kicked at the stone floor as he tried to squirm his way from out of France's grasp. His efforts, however, were all in vain.

"Get off of me! You're crushing my spine!" he wailed.

"No! You're going to get yourself killed! And you're no use to me dead!" said France, ripping off a piece of Britain's jacket.

"What are you doing?" asked Britain with alarm. "Are you trying to strip me again?!"

"Connard, I am demonstrating just how foolish you really are," said France with a scorn. He tossed the ripped fabric over towards the laser bars. Britain's eyes widened with terror as he watched it burn to a crisp.

He suddenly overpowered France and jumped to his feet, "I can't take this confinement anymore! I'm an Englishmen, damn it! I don't deserve such treatment!"

"Do you think I like it any better?" France whined. "It smells like a baboon's backside! And to top it off, I don't even have my strawberry scented shampoo and conditioner! Do you think I just achieve zis greatness over night? No, it takes hours and hours of maintenance and perfection!"

"Ugh, disgusting. I hate the smell of artificial strawberries. It always makes me…" Britain trailed off as he suddenly came to an interesting conclusion. "…..Sick to my stomach. That's it!"

France raised an eyebrow, "Eh? What's it?"

"We'll pretend to be sick!" Britain happily proclaimed. "They'll come in, see that we need treatment, and then transfer us to medical! We'll escape from there long before Germany even notices our absence! It's perfect!"

"You really think it will work?" asked France.

"Well it's worth a shot,"

"But I hate hospitals! They smell so dreary and institutionalized!" France complained, smoothing out his hair.

Britain frowned, "would you rather stay here and bask in the scent of a baboon's backside?!"

"Sickly I shall be!" France said, pulling a blow horn out of his pocket. "I suppose I could show off my supreme acting skills!"

"Is that really necessary?!" Britain baffled as he lay down on the floor.

"Ahem," France cleared his throat. "Oh, woe is me! I'm so terribly sick! I cannot take another breath or I fear I may die! Ze pain! Ze agony! Le cough cough!"

"….don't you think you're over doing it a bit, old chap?"

But France continued as he dramatically dropped to the floor, "ze walls…zey're closing in on me! Everything is starting to get dark! Oh me, oh my!"

"Stop that. You're behaving like a total nutburger," Britain whispered. "Much more than usual."

"Vhat's the matter now?!" Germany asked, coming down the hallway.

"Can't you tell? We are sick!" France answered. "Very sick!"

"Oh really?"

Britain coughed, "Indeed we are. We're are completely and 100% sick!"

Germany calmly folded his arms behind his back, "Oh please. Do you really expect me to believe such nonsense? Only an idiot vould believe something so stupid."

"Germany! Germany! I need help tying my shoe again!" Italy shouted as he raced to Germany's side. "Oh no! Big Brother France and Britain are sick! We should get them to a hospital, or just send them home. I like the second option the best!"

"Italy," sighed Germany, face-palming.

"So, are we gonna let them go now?" asked Italy with excitement.

"Of course not! They aren't really sick!" Germany snapped. "This is just another one of their hair-rising schemes."

France rolled over on his side, "but it isn't a scheme this time! We ate some of Britain's scones and now we're sick! Oh, the horror!"

"What?! That's not why we're—" Britain was immediately silence by a violent kick to the stomach from France.

"Britain's scones?!" asked Germany with alarm. "Maybe this is serious. Alright, you'll be moved to our medical center to receive treatment."

"You ate Britain's food?" said Italy with a quiver. "Why would you do that, Big Brother France! I know you're big and scary but I don't want you to die!"

"There is nothing wrong with my scones! They're delicious!" Britain scoffed.

Germany stroked his chin, "now they're becoming delusional. This is vorse than I thought. Quickly Italy, go und get some of my men so that ve may move them immediately. I don't vant them vomiting up that smuck."

"Okay, Germany!" squealed Italy with urgency. He immediately rushed down the hall.

**To be continued in the next chapter. See you there!**


	4. Attempt 3 part 2: the epicness continues

…**..Oh, look at that! We're already to the next scene! It was very common for a lot of POW's to fake illnesses in order to be transferred to a health facility, where they made several escapes of the epic proportion. But they seldom ever remained free. While many of them were returned to their prisoners, some of them managed to escape back to their countries. Of course that's not going to happen to our dear friends Britain and France, but aren't they cute for trying?**

"Here's our chance," said Britain, lying in a hospital bed. "We must be quick if we're to sneak out of here unnoticed.

France, who's bed was next to Britain's, sprang sat up, "Oui, let's hurry. I cannot take another second of zis nauseating hospital smell. And I refuse to go anywhere in this ridiculous hospital gown! There isn't even a lick of color in it! Oh, so bland!"

"How many times must I tell you to stop whining!" snarled Britain getting out of bed. "I don't like these gowns either but we have no time to change."

"Absolutely not," said France firmly shaking his head. "I am not walking out of here like this!"

"No, my dear France," said Britain with a shake of his finger. "One does not simply walk out an enemy controlled hospital."

France glared at him, "then how are we supposed to escape? By climbing out the window?"

"My thoughts exactly!"

"What? It was just a joke! I'm not scurrying out a window like a little chipmunk, you bastard!" shrieked France.

Suddenly, they heard a noise coming from outside their door. Both men immediately jumped back into their beds just as the door swung open. In bounced Italy followed by 2 young nurses.

"Hello Britain and Big Brother France! I came to visit you!" he happily proclaimed, extending a small bouquet forward. "I hope you get well soon, but not too soon. I still don't want you to hurt me."

"Awww, Italy. You really came to visit us? Such a sweet boy you are," said France lovingly. "You shouldn't have."

"You really shouldn't have," strained Britain, peeking out from under his blanket. "You'll get sick too. So, you should probably leave now."

"Oh, good morning to you both," said one of the nurses. "If you would, please sit up in your beds. We're ready for the procedure."

"Procedure? What procedure?" asked Britain, widening his eyes.

She pulled out a syringe the size of a yard stick and pointed it in their direction.

"Yes, we've been given strict orders by Mr. Germany to inject you both with a questionable drug," she explained. "Now, if you would just cooperate."

"Gah! Keep that thing away from me!" shrieked France, nearly hitting the ceiling.

Britain jumped back to his feet, "over my dead body! Don't you dare come any closer."

"Hmm, I thought you might react that way. Mr. Italy, please lock the door," said one of the nurses. "I'm going in!"

"Oh, okay!" he responded.

"No! Stay away she-devils!" barked Britain.

**While the nurses pounce on Britain and France in an attempt to jab them with needles, let's check up on the rest of the Allied countries. I'm sure they're on their way to save their friends. Shall we?**

"Whoooo! Disney on Ice is the best thing since fried rice!" proclaimed China as he rocked back in forth in his seat. "I want to come here all the time now!"

"Tinkerbell looks dead sexy in a mini skirt," said America. His eyes were glued to the young figure skater as she gracefully skated around the rink.

"Da, she reminds me of cute little dancing Russian figurine," said Russia sweetly as a purple light began to manifest from his body. "I wish to scoop her up and put her in tiny music box, so that I may watch her dance while listening to sweet music whenever I feel like it. It will soften the mood as I mediate on all the ways I'm going to crush both your countries to the ground while treading on all your hopes and dreams."

"I told you he was planning on killing us all!" whimpered China, clinging to his Hello Kitty.

But America shook it off, "Russia's just playing around with us. There's no way he'd become a dangerous threat, forced to play the villain in nearly every American movie for the next 50 years. Right Russia?"

**Foresssssssssshadowwwwwwwww!**

"Oh America, you're so funny," said Russia with a smile.

"Hey, shouldn't we go save Britain and France now? Who knows what could be happening to them now," said China.

"Eh, they're fine. They're in the hospital right now," America nonchalantly answered. "Germany sends me updates, like, every hour."

"Why?"

"I don't really now. He probably wants me to pay some type of ransom. Feh, like hell I'm tapping into my plane fund for those two losers!" he snorted.

China furrowed his brow, "I meant, why are they in hospital?"

"Huh, oh yeah! They ate Britain's scones,"

"Britain's scones!" shouted China. "Then maybe we should do something."

"We could…..or, we could sit here and watch the rest of the show," said America.

**Some friends they are. They wouldn't even leave their show to save Britain and France. But don't worry, I'm sure they'll save them. I'm not sure when….but I'm sure they do. Anyway, back to our two leading men. Let's see how they're doing with those shots.**

Britain tied a rope around the two gagged nurses as they squirmed to escape. He checked to make sure his knots were extra tight before pushing them both into the closet.

**Didn't see that coming did you?**

"Terribly sorry about this," he said, responding to their muffled protests. "But we must go now. We can't let you get in our way."

"Of course we don't need to leave just yet," said France with a gleam in his eye as he glanced at the young women. "We could stay for just a little bit, no?"

"No, you perverted bastard! We don't have time!" Britain fussed. "And besides, we still have other matters to deal with."

Britain and France glared over to the corner of the room where young Italy was cowering in fear.

"Ohonhonhonhon, how could I forget zat we still have other manners to deal with," said France.

"No! I can't believe you two were faking your illness the entire time! That means you could've hit me with a stick whenever you wanted," Italy shouted, frantically waving a white flag. "No, don't hurt me! I'm too young to die!"

"Grab him!" shouted France, leaping for Italy.

Britain also ran towards him. Italy, however, had no intention of being captured. Instead, he quickly evaded them both and jumped out the window. Britain and France raced toward, preparing to jump after him.

"Where did he go?!" wondered France, searching the grounds below. "We're only on ze 10th floor!"

"I don't know," said Britain. "Do you think he had time to alert any authorities?"

Suddenly, 20 troops came running up around the hospital. They immediately flashed a large spot light directly into the window.

"We have the building surrounded!" shouted a troop through a megaphone. "Come out with your hands up!"

France death glared Britain, "you just had to open your delinquent mouth, didn't you?"

"Can it, frenchy!" snapped Britain.

"Come out with your hands up!" the voice repeated over the megaphone.

"We still might be able to escape," said Britain, moving away from the window. "I hear some of these hospitals have underground tunnel systems. If we could just find one…."

"I'm not going anywhere in this gown!" said France, stripping himself of his hospital gown.

Britain's eyes widened with horror as he hurriedly looked away, "can you warn me next time you strip down to your birthday suit!"

"No need to be so prude," teased France, putting his uniform back on.

Britain grabbed his clothes and went in to a corner, "d-don't you dare look!"

"This is your last chance to surrender, Britain and France. Either you come out, or we come in," this time it was Germany's voice that they heard.

"Great, now that low life's here," scoffed France, once he was completely dressed. "You better be right about this underground escape system."

Britain, who quickly through his uniform on, darted out the room and the down the hall. France was close behind him. They ran through the halls scanning room after room for any secret passageways. Unfortunately, luck wasn't exactly on their sides. They continued to come up short in the efforts to escape.

"Hey, France? Do you smell something fishy?" asked Britain, after exiting the latest room.

"Ugh, my nostrils have already been abused by this putrid hospital smell. I cannot possibly smell anything more," pouted France.

Britain frowned, "asphalt, that's not what I meant! Isn't it strange that there are no other patients in this hospital? There don't seem to be any doctors or nurses either."

"Hmm, it would seem you are correct! They must've all evacuated as soon as Italy spread the word,"

"Great. The enemy is slowly narrowing in on us and we've had yet to discover a way out. What to do, what to do,"

"Surrender is the best option, Mr. Britain," said a soft voice coming from behind them.

Britain and France spun around and came face to face with Japan. His lifeless brown eyes held them in an intense gaze as he calmly stood at ease.

"J-Japan! Where the hell did you just come from?!" Britain blurted out, stepping away from the silent but deadly young man.

"If you surrender now, I promise to go easy on you," said Japan calmly.

"Awwww, Japan's so cute when he's threatening our lives like that," France cooed.

Britain whipped out his handy dandy cane, "You don't scare me one bit. I'll have you know that I was quite the rowdy one in my youth. You're dealing with a former pirate."

"And you have before you a former ninja," Japan answered, sizing up Britain. "I am not frightened by your strange Western ways."

**Pirates vs ninjas FTW! F*ck yeah I went there! *le cough* who will win the age long battle? Will it be our bushy eye-browed pirate, who represents not only his country England but both Great Britain and the entire UK? Or will it be our mysterious friend from the East that rules over a total of 3000 islands?**

"Feel the power of the British Empire, you spineless ninny!" shouted Britain, raging towards Japan with his cane out in front.

Japan leapt into the air to avoid the attack, "no thank-you. I'd rather not! Flying darts of furry!"

He rapidly began throwing a series of poisonous darts at the European pair.

"Incoming!" Britain warned, diving out of harm's way just in time.

"Hey, you watch where you're aiming those things!" France complained while angrily shaking his fist. "It's too bad China's not here with his wok and ladle."

"Your skills are sharp but they are no match for me," Britain deflected back some of the darts at Japan with his blade. "Rule Britannia!"

But Japan zoomed forward at lightning speed and slammed into Britain, knocking him into France. The two flew straight into the wall like a pair of rag dolls.

"Ow! My hip," Britain moaned, rubbing it gently.

"Do you wish to surrender now?" asked Japan, keeping his distance from them.

Britain jumped to his feet, "I'll surrender when I'm dead!"

"Yes, I second that," France agreed. "I'll surrender when he's dead."

The two of them went charging straight towards Japan.

"You've just activated my trap card," said Japan coolly.

"Wait, what? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Britain as he and France fell through a hidden trap door in the floor.

"I think we just found the hidden tunellllllllllllllllllllllll l!" yelled France.

**Sorry pirates, looks like the ninjas took that one. XD**

At that moment, Germany came busting in with his army. Italy was closed behind, cowering all the way.

"Oh, it's just you Japan. Vhat happened here? Did you manage to find Britain and France?" he asked.

"I did, but they're on their way back to prison now. There is no need to worry anymore, Mr. Germany and Mr. Italy," Japan replied.

"You mean, they're gone? Oh goody! I was worried they were going to try to hurt me again!" sang Italy with joy.

**Moments later, Britain and France wounded up right back where they started from. At least they found the tunnel they were looking for. It just didn't take to where they expected. And, was more of a trap door/ side thing instead of an actual tunnel. Wow, it really sucks to be them right now, doesn't it? Oh, Britain and France. Don't worry, you'll get out eventually!**

"Damn this place! Why must we be cursed to this confinement every single time!" snapped Britain, pacing the cell floor.

"We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't been stupid enough to set of Japan's trap," France scolded.

"Me? You're just at fault too!"

But France shook his head, "ze trap was obviously triggered when you stepped on button in the tile."

"And what makes you think I was the one that stepped on it? It could have been you?" Britain fumed.

"It is simple really. You're feet are much larger and heavier than mine. My delicate feet could not have possibly triggered the button. You're clown feet, on the other hand, could definitely have done some damage,"

Britain went into a blind rage and flung himself at France, "that's it! I've had it with you!"

**While those two are duking it out, I think I'll close up this chapter. So once again we're left with another failed escape attempt. You'd think they'd give up by now but they won't! Oh, Britain and France. Don't worry, you'll get outta there eventually…just not today! **


End file.
